"Remember, the picture with daddy in the funny hat? He was with his daddy. That's your grandpa Bob."
"Oh." Looking around, "Where is he?"
"Well, he's gone, honey. He's not with us anymore."
"Where did he go?"
"Well he's in the ground..." Sensing that this would not make much sense and catching a slight worry in her face, I continued, "and he's in the air, in the mountains, in the trees, in the grass and he's also in you too."
This certainly wasn't the first time we ever talked about death and where people go when they die. It's part of our Chinese culture to visit our passed loved ones' graves yearly in April. During these annual visits a number of rituals are completed at each grave, such as an offering of a huge spread of food like a side of roasted pork, a whole chicken, oranges, apples and some sweets on the grave, some shots of liquor, lit candles and incense and burning of fake money and clothes to get them through the afterlife. Julia has participated in searching for rocks to keep the newspaper that the food is placed on from flying away, watched in awe as Carl or my father stab the burning "valuables" so nothing gets missed and walked with me as I placed a small bunch of incense at each neighboring grave site to pay them respect too. She followed along with the above rituals and kowtowed three times to each grave we visited to people she never met; my great uncle, my grandma who I miss every single day, my grandpa and my great-great grandma who lived to like 104! And she's watched as more elaborate families on these yearly "Hang San"events, have a whole roasted pig laid out and firecrackers going to scare away the evil spirits.
There wasn't much thought involved when it came to whether or not we should expose the darker side to life to Julia. These regular visits were very normalized events for me growing up and the people we visited made us remember who they were in life. But it's easier to discuss and explain death in spirits and rituals to a 3 year about people she's never met, but not so easy when it hits closer to home.
3-4 weeks ago, we came home and found my beloved cat Peepee in convulsions on the living room floor. I had to be harshly told several times to bring Julia upstairs because I was in near hysterics. When I finally ushered Julia upstairs, I panicked and probably walked in circles as Julia desperately tried to get me to talk to her. At that moment, I couldn't get my senses together. I had enough for me to manage to call the Vet Hospital my good friend works at but that was about it. I spent the whole car ride over, apologizing to Peepee for not spending more time with him. I think by the time the doctor pulled me out not wanting Julia to hear the news and catching the grave look on my friend's face, I knew I had to pull myself together. The doctor asked if I wanted Julia with us while she put my beautiful cat to sleep and without hesitation, I answered, "Yes, of course."
I do not regret that decision, Julia really did quite well and was able to say her goodbyes to Peepee. She kissed him several times and lovingly petted his head. We even had some time to sit with him a little bit afterwards and were able to talk about what happened more. Our good friend came in and we chatted about what a great cat Peepee was, my gentle beast and laughed about how he got his name.
In one night, Julia got a huge life lesson on things other than rainbows, princesses, unicorns and of course, Toy Story. She saw fear, hurt, pain, remorse and grief. And like life's cycle, she saw acceptance, humor, laughter and remembrance.
We explained to Julia that Peepee would return to us but in a small box and Carl explained, as best you can to a 3 year old, how the box would be filled with Peepee's ashes and one day we would spread his ashes (and all of our pets that passed on) back to the mountains, dirt, grass, trees, air, water....
I don't think Juju quites gets everything yet although she does have a basic understanding of what it means to be dead and what to be alive. Occasionally, she makes me cry when she tells me "Mommy, I miss my cat Peepee" but then she runs over to me and says "It's o.k., Mommy. He's o.k." and I know she's right.
"Oh." Looking around, "Where is he?"
"Well, he's gone, honey. He's not with us anymore."
"Where did he go?"
"Well he's in the ground..." Sensing that this would not make much sense and catching a slight worry in her face, I continued, "and he's in the air, in the mountains, in the trees, in the grass and he's also in you too."
This certainly wasn't the first time we ever talked about death and where people go when they die. It's part of our Chinese culture to visit our passed loved ones' graves yearly in April. During these annual visits a number of rituals are completed at each grave, such as an offering of a huge spread of food like a side of roasted pork, a whole chicken, oranges, apples and some sweets on the grave, some shots of liquor, lit candles and incense and burning of fake money and clothes to get them through the afterlife. Julia has participated in searching for rocks to keep the newspaper that the food is placed on from flying away, watched in awe as Carl or my father stab the burning "valuables" so nothing gets missed and walked with me as I placed a small bunch of incense at each neighboring grave site to pay them respect too. She followed along with the above rituals and kowtowed three times to each grave we visited to people she never met; my great uncle, my grandma who I miss every single day, my grandpa and my great-great grandma who lived to like 104! And she's watched as more elaborate families on these yearly "Hang San"events, have a whole roasted pig laid out and firecrackers going to scare away the evil spirits.
There wasn't much thought involved when it came to whether or not we should expose the darker side to life to Julia. These regular visits were very normalized events for me growing up and the people we visited made us remember who they were in life. But it's easier to discuss and explain death in spirits and rituals to a 3 year about people she's never met, but not so easy when it hits closer to home.
3-4 weeks ago, we came home and found my beloved cat Peepee in convulsions on the living room floor. I had to be harshly told several times to bring Julia upstairs because I was in near hysterics. When I finally ushered Julia upstairs, I panicked and probably walked in circles as Julia desperately tried to get me to talk to her. At that moment, I couldn't get my senses together. I had enough for me to manage to call the Vet Hospital my good friend works at but that was about it. I spent the whole car ride over, apologizing to Peepee for not spending more time with him. I think by the time the doctor pulled me out not wanting Julia to hear the news and catching the grave look on my friend's face, I knew I had to pull myself together. The doctor asked if I wanted Julia with us while she put my beautiful cat to sleep and without hesitation, I answered, "Yes, of course."
I do not regret that decision, Julia really did quite well and was able to say her goodbyes to Peepee. She kissed him several times and lovingly petted his head. We even had some time to sit with him a little bit afterwards and were able to talk about what happened more. Our good friend came in and we chatted about what a great cat Peepee was, my gentle beast and laughed about how he got his name.
In one night, Julia got a huge life lesson on things other than rainbows, princesses, unicorns and of course, Toy Story. She saw fear, hurt, pain, remorse and grief. And like life's cycle, she saw acceptance, humor, laughter and remembrance.
We explained to Julia that Peepee would return to us but in a small box and Carl explained, as best you can to a 3 year old, how the box would be filled with Peepee's ashes and one day we would spread his ashes (and all of our pets that passed on) back to the mountains, dirt, grass, trees, air, water....
I don't think Juju quites gets everything yet although she does have a basic understanding of what it means to be dead and what to be alive. Occasionally, she makes me cry when she tells me "Mommy, I miss my cat Peepee" but then she runs over to me and says "It's o.k., Mommy. He's o.k." and I know she's right.
