The Mamalogs: May 2011

I miss deep sleeping. I don't know when I was able to do that last - actually that may have been three weeks ago after dental surgery and some heavy doses of vicodin but before that, I really can't remember the last time I slept well. I mean really slept well - the kind of sleep you do the moment your head hits the pillow and your mind listlessly wanders off as you become less and less cognizant of the familiar nightly noises in the dark. The kind of deep sleep that the next time you open your eyes, it's a beautiful morning and that god awful annoying alarm you've set didn't even go off yet. It's the kind of sleep you wake up from and think to yourself, "Gosh, I think I DO want to go to work today!" I can't remember the last time that has happened in the past 3 years.

My lack of sleep is to blame on, of course, The Beast. She is still in our bed and her usual antics at night such as kicking me in the head, punching me in the face, scraping me with her toenails (I swear I cut them! I have no idea why they are always so damn sharp!) and/or gradually pushing me closer and closer to the edge of my bed, all while she's in deep sleep has kept me a light sleeper for the past 3 1/2 years. But more recently, in addition to all of the above, Julia will occasionally have foot pain at night where she wakes up screaming and crying. Unfortunately, there is not much that can be done about this. According to the Almighty Google, this is actually pretty common in toddlers and may be a result of a) an overactive day, b) lack of potassium/calcium/or other vitamin, c) bad shoes d) a tiny fracture or e) some 'effed up disease that hurts my brain to even say. The only remedy is to either massage her little feet and provide a Toy Story bandaid if requested or turn over three times, stand on my head, shake some peacock feathers over her foot and say "oolah boolah" 5x (I usually do the first, if you're wondering....usually....sometimes I get desperate though...). Julia also wakes up to go to the potty in the middle of the night but lately requires our intervention, lest we want to sleep in pee all night. Want to know real pain? When BOTH of these things happens in the same night (along with all of the sleep kicking, scratching, hitting and pushing me off the bed) aka why I'm up tonight!!

Julia has been nighttime potty trained for quite some time and she has typically held it in overnight. Occasionally, she would wake up and go to the bathroom with very little help from us. Recently, in the past month (or in my tired eyes, FOREVER!), she has been waking up nearly every night to go to the bathroom. She sits up, poised and ready to go but starts to fall back asleep. We have to wake her and tell her to go to the bathroom which leads to her crying..very loudly crying... and very slowly making her way to the bathroom as she orients herself. This has resulted in some accidents while in the bathroom because she took too long getting there. Which in turn, has resulted in me having to get fresh undies, cleaning a puddle of pee next to the toilet (my favorite thing to do at 1 in the morning!), cleaning the Beast and getting her back to bed. My dear ole hubby, my loving, wonderful partner and father to my daughter has decided after many nights of unsatisfactory sleeping conditions, has opted (and has opted many times in the past) to sleep in the living room undisturbed. This, of course, did not deter me from stomping loudly past the couch he was snoring on, muttering obscenities with "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" and snidely remarking "enjoying your sleep?" while I was getting fresh underwear.... (I don't mean to be a bitch, but I'm very passive aggressive when I'm cranky.)

I have ALWAYS had sleeping problems nearly my entire adult life. If I wake up in the middle of the night, my brain has great difficulty zoning out. It just starts going and I can't stop it until I satisfy it somehow and that usually takes form of jotting down notes, checklists or writing in my journal. In recent years, this has been the product of solving problems at work or a blog post. Adding Julia to my sleeping issues has been really problematic for me. Although many would say it's time to move her out of my bed, I don't feel the time is right right now with her potty issues and all. In fact, I think co-sleeping has helped save my mattress and eventually, hers, from nightly soaks. Her health and development for my sanity is worth it in my eyes and I will be sure to remind her of my sacrifices every day of her life once she turns into a bratty tweenager. However, I will say this and I don't care how backwards or antiquated or anti-fem I sound.... Mothers should not work. There. I said it. I can't believe I said it but I said it. Quite honestly, I do not know how working mothers do it - I don't know how I do it. With all the demands of raising a child, being a working mother means having two full time jobs. I literally don't know how I wake up every morning to go to work. Growing up, I always assumed I would be a working mother, never thought twice about it. Prior to being a mother, even up to the day I gave birth, I never questioned being a working mother. But I had no idea what I was in for. I find it impossible to manage the daily grind of work with the sleepless nights, the sick days for both me and the child, the babysitter's sick days, the limited quality time allowed and add that to the relationship with the spouse and managing the house..... it's absolutely impossible!!!

Would I change it if I could? Probably not. After all, I wouldn't be me if I did. I just hope Julia appreciates that when she's older.

In any event, deep sleep may not be too far away. I'm going away for a conference this Memorial Weekend sans family for four wonderful nights. I really hope Carl enjoys his sleep tonight....

The Mamalogs

On how I miss sleeping oh so very much....(yet another middle of the night blogging)

On More Lies I Tell Julia...

More Reads...

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