Conversation with Julia during breakfast:
Julia: "Mom, look at my fur on my arms!"
Me: "Fur?!"
Julia: "Oh, I mean ha...."
Me: "Daddy! You forgot to shave her last night!"
(Julia looks quizzically between me and Carl)
Me: "I guess its time to tell you, Julia. The truth is....you're really a cat."
Julia: "NO!"
Me: "Yeah, at night you turn into a cat and Daddy has to shave all your fur off while you're sleeping...and cut off your tail and whiskers before you wake up."
Julia: "No! I'm not a cat!"
Me: "Daddy, tell her!"
Carl: "Yup, you're a cat!"
Me: "See?!"
Julia: "I'm..NOT...A....CAT!"
Carl: "Mommy, did you understand her? Oh my god, she's meowing now!"
Julia: "I'M...NOT...A...CAT!!! I SAID I'M NOT A CAT!"
Me: "What? Meow?"
After about 2-3 minutes of this, Carl snickers to me: "Man, she's going to need a lot of therapy when she's an adult, thanks to us."
Me: "Nah, she's well adjusted. Aren't you well adjusted, Julia?"
Julia: "Meow."
On death and dying...
One day, while waiting for Carl in the car while he visited his father's grave, Julia, being naturally inquisitive, asked what we were doing there. I told her we were visiting her other grandpa - Grandpa Bob.
"Remember, the picture with daddy in the funny hat? He was with his daddy. That's your grandpa Bob."
"Oh." Looking around, "Where is he?"
"Well, he's gone, honey. He's not with us anymore."
"Where did he go?"
"Well he's in the ground..." Sensing that this would not make much sense and catching a slight worry in her face, I continued, "and he's in the air, in the mountains, in the trees, in the grass and he's also in you too."
This certainly wasn't the first time we ever talked about death and where people go when they die. It's part of our Chinese culture to visit our passed loved ones' graves yearly in April. During these annual visits a number of rituals are completed at each grave, such as an offering of a huge spread of food like a side of roasted pork, a whole chicken, oranges, apples and some sweets on the grave, some shots of liquor, lit candles and incense and burning of fake money and clothes to get them through the afterlife. Julia has participated in searching for rocks to keep the newspaper that the food is placed on from flying away, watched in awe as Carl or my father stab the burning "valuables" so nothing gets missed and walked with me as I placed a small bunch of incense at each neighboring grave site to pay them respect too. She followed along with the above rituals and kowtowed three times to each grave we visited to people she never met; my great uncle, my grandma who I miss every single day, my grandpa and my great-great grandma who lived to like 104! And she's watched as more elaborate families on these yearly "Hang San"events, have a whole roasted pig laid out and firecrackers going to scare away the evil spirits.
There wasn't much thought involved when it came to whether or not we should expose the darker side to life to Julia. These regular visits were very normalized events for me growing up and the people we visited made us remember who they were in life. But it's easier to discuss and explain death in spirits and rituals to a 3 year about people she's never met, but not so easy when it hits closer to home.
3-4 weeks ago, we came home and found my beloved cat Peepee in convulsions on the living room floor. I had to be harshly told several times to bring Julia upstairs because I was in near hysterics. When I finally ushered Julia upstairs, I panicked and probably walked in circles as Julia desperately tried to get me to talk to her. At that moment, I couldn't get my senses together. I had enough for me to manage to call the Vet Hospital my good friend works at but that was about it. I spent the whole car ride over, apologizing to Peepee for not spending more time with him. I think by the time the doctor pulled me out not wanting Julia to hear the news and catching the grave look on my friend's face, I knew I had to pull myself together. The doctor asked if I wanted Julia with us while she put my beautiful cat to sleep and without hesitation, I answered, "Yes, of course."
I do not regret that decision, Julia really did quite well and was able to say her goodbyes to Peepee. She kissed him several times and lovingly petted his head. We even had some time to sit with him a little bit afterwards and were able to talk about what happened more. Our good friend came in and we chatted about what a great cat Peepee was, my gentle beast and laughed about how he got his name.
In one night, Julia got a huge life lesson on things other than rainbows, princesses, unicorns and of course, Toy Story. She saw fear, hurt, pain, remorse and grief. And like life's cycle, she saw acceptance, humor, laughter and remembrance.
We explained to Julia that Peepee would return to us but in a small box and Carl explained, as best you can to a 3 year old, how the box would be filled with Peepee's ashes and one day we would spread his ashes (and all of our pets that passed on) back to the mountains, dirt, grass, trees, air, water....
I don't think Juju quites gets everything yet although she does have a basic understanding of what it means to be dead and what to be alive. Occasionally, she makes me cry when she tells me "Mommy, I miss my cat Peepee" but then she runs over to me and says "It's o.k., Mommy. He's o.k." and I know she's right.
"Oh." Looking around, "Where is he?"
"Well, he's gone, honey. He's not with us anymore."
"Where did he go?"
"Well he's in the ground..." Sensing that this would not make much sense and catching a slight worry in her face, I continued, "and he's in the air, in the mountains, in the trees, in the grass and he's also in you too."
This certainly wasn't the first time we ever talked about death and where people go when they die. It's part of our Chinese culture to visit our passed loved ones' graves yearly in April. During these annual visits a number of rituals are completed at each grave, such as an offering of a huge spread of food like a side of roasted pork, a whole chicken, oranges, apples and some sweets on the grave, some shots of liquor, lit candles and incense and burning of fake money and clothes to get them through the afterlife. Julia has participated in searching for rocks to keep the newspaper that the food is placed on from flying away, watched in awe as Carl or my father stab the burning "valuables" so nothing gets missed and walked with me as I placed a small bunch of incense at each neighboring grave site to pay them respect too. She followed along with the above rituals and kowtowed three times to each grave we visited to people she never met; my great uncle, my grandma who I miss every single day, my grandpa and my great-great grandma who lived to like 104! And she's watched as more elaborate families on these yearly "Hang San"events, have a whole roasted pig laid out and firecrackers going to scare away the evil spirits.
There wasn't much thought involved when it came to whether or not we should expose the darker side to life to Julia. These regular visits were very normalized events for me growing up and the people we visited made us remember who they were in life. But it's easier to discuss and explain death in spirits and rituals to a 3 year about people she's never met, but not so easy when it hits closer to home.
3-4 weeks ago, we came home and found my beloved cat Peepee in convulsions on the living room floor. I had to be harshly told several times to bring Julia upstairs because I was in near hysterics. When I finally ushered Julia upstairs, I panicked and probably walked in circles as Julia desperately tried to get me to talk to her. At that moment, I couldn't get my senses together. I had enough for me to manage to call the Vet Hospital my good friend works at but that was about it. I spent the whole car ride over, apologizing to Peepee for not spending more time with him. I think by the time the doctor pulled me out not wanting Julia to hear the news and catching the grave look on my friend's face, I knew I had to pull myself together. The doctor asked if I wanted Julia with us while she put my beautiful cat to sleep and without hesitation, I answered, "Yes, of course."
I do not regret that decision, Julia really did quite well and was able to say her goodbyes to Peepee. She kissed him several times and lovingly petted his head. We even had some time to sit with him a little bit afterwards and were able to talk about what happened more. Our good friend came in and we chatted about what a great cat Peepee was, my gentle beast and laughed about how he got his name.
In one night, Julia got a huge life lesson on things other than rainbows, princesses, unicorns and of course, Toy Story. She saw fear, hurt, pain, remorse and grief. And like life's cycle, she saw acceptance, humor, laughter and remembrance.
We explained to Julia that Peepee would return to us but in a small box and Carl explained, as best you can to a 3 year old, how the box would be filled with Peepee's ashes and one day we would spread his ashes (and all of our pets that passed on) back to the mountains, dirt, grass, trees, air, water....
I don't think Juju quites gets everything yet although she does have a basic understanding of what it means to be dead and what to be alive. Occasionally, she makes me cry when she tells me "Mommy, I miss my cat Peepee" but then she runs over to me and says "It's o.k., Mommy. He's o.k." and I know she's right.
On why green tokens are better than red tokens...
I've finally decided that the beastly beast must have some structured discipline, so I got all "Supernanny" on her butt and put her on a token system. One day after work, in about 2 hours, I printed out a sheet with 5 words with visuals that she could earn a green token for; listening, staying dry at night, cleaning up her toys, eating all her dinner and waking up nicely in the morning. I also printed out 3 things she could earn a red token for; throwing a tantrum, throwing toys and hitting others (that's right, don't be fooled by that sweet cherub face of hers, she's been known to whack ya!). Finally, I printed out 4 different pictures of some of her favorite activities with the amount of green tokens she needed to earn to receive each of them. The most prized activity being a Toy Story movie for all 10 green tokens - (so happy she is not into princesses too much anymore, but DAMN is she OBSESSED with Toy Story!). And finally, I cut out a token board out of foam board and velcroed a CRAPLOAD of green and red tokens I had kicking around (most ABA home case special ed teachers tend to have similar things scattered around the house...i.e. laminating sheets, rulers, pencils, velcro, stickers, bubbles and every imaginable toy that can fit in a bag swung over your shoulder...)
The rules are simple - earn enough green tokens for any of the specific behaviors I indicated above, then exchange them at each prize level for a desired activity until she has earned all 10 and the "final" prize and then repeat. Earn 3 red tokens for any of the specific behaviors I indicated above, then go to "time out". Continue to earn red tokens (God help me if that day EVER happens...) then feel Mama's wrath... Ok, I didn't quite say that but I did tell her green tokens start disappearing and baaaaaad things were going to happen. Hey! Never said I was the perfect mother!
So I explained the rules to "The Beast" and immediately started her off. I left 6 green tokens on, gave her an easy direction which she complied with and awarded her with a green token. The first prize level required 7 tokens (watching one of her shows on Nick Jr) which I exchanged with her immediately after I had her count the tokens and identify what she earned. Over the next 2 hours, we went up to earning all 10 tokens in total (really 4 tokens since I was still keeping 6 on the board) and she seemed quite pleased with herself. Not a single red token was dispensed but I made sure to spend a little time doing the "Oh no, we don't want any red tokens, do we?! That would be baaad!" talk.
The next night, "The Beast" threw a tantrum and I immediately gave her a red token. For someone who didn't get the consequence of receiving 3 red tokens yet, she FLIPPED! She didn't want to put her red token on her board and was so upset that she actually even attempted to try and remove it while I wasn't looking. It was a sad night for her and she did everything in her power to fill the rest of the empty slots with green tokens and start over again.
The night after that, when it was time to restart her token system, she said "Mommy, I don't want to do the tokens anymore. I'm finished with them." Gah! I've somehow made the whole experience aversive!!! Not expecting my almost 3 year old child to say this to me, I composed myself and explained to her this is how it was going to run in the Lai-Waters household. Like it or leave it - then gave her another easy night filled with opportunities to earn her tokens and reap the benefits from them.
It's been a month now since I've implemented this system and for the most part it's working out about as I intended and like most things in life, it has its ups and downs. Most people assumed that Juju has been so out of control that I needed to hone in on my behavior analytic skillz and "ABA" her little behind straight. But the truth is, Julia, for the most part, is a pretty well behaved little girl. Don't get me wrong she has THOSE moments - I mean moments where I look at Carl and think "That little sh*t! I can't believe she just said that to us!" - but those moments are few and far between. Some discipline and structure is good for my little Juju's soul and really, really good for us 'rents.
For a little while there, Juju had an uncomfortably large amount of television in her life. So much so, that the she constantly asks for "myyyyyy t.v." and sweet talks a.k.a manipulates her way into watching t.v. She actually tried bargaining with my mother for t.v.! "Paw Paw, I have to watch t.v. so I can eat all my lunch." The tokens helps minimize the amount of t.v. she watches to a more reasonable amount (about 1 show a night). In addition, for us two hard working parents, it can be very difficult to remember to give a little praise and attention to the things our little beast does right but so easy for us to blow our fuse when she's doing something wrong. I will always be a parent but I'm not always the perfect parent and sometimes I'm a downright horrible parent (especially on days when work makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out) but this token system has been a great way to keep mom (and dad) in check. We identified specific things we knew we needed her to work on (leaving her toys all over the house was driving us mad) and we knew recognizing when she did something good was something we needed to work on. So although there have been days where I wanted to shell out a hundred red tokens her way, I take a little breath, remember my rules and follow them as planned. This way, Julia knows what to expect and I know what to do....in the meantime at least.....
On words I'm not allowed to say anymore.....(dammit!)
A few months ago, Julia became quite independent going to the bathroom by herself. I was quite relieved the day I was able to say "Go to the potty" and she would head up the stairs and into the bathroom without requiring any assistance and much supervision at all. She is able to do everything; even flip the light switch when necessary. When it got hot, Carl would often manually shut the light fixture above our sink off at the base to save energy but leave the bathroom fan on for cross ventilation at night. This would then only allow the light switch to control the fan. Of course, this created a huge disturbance in my two minutes of peace that I gained whenever Julia couldn't turn on the light. After the fifth or sixth time of me climbing up the stairs to turn on the light for Julia, I grumbled, "Daddy's so stupid! He turned off the light again!" Needless to say, Julia loved that and went straight to Daddy when she was done and said "Daddy, you're so stupid! You turned off the light!"
I tried desperately to shift the blame, sheepishly looked at Carl and said "Oh my, where ever did she learn that word?" But of course, I wasn't bullshitting anyone. To make up for it, I had the talk with Julia about how saying stupid is a very bad thing and how mommy was wrong for saying such an awful, awful word. Sigh.
Unfortunately, the word "stupid" is, apparently, a huge part of my vocabulary and Julia, the bad word police, lets me know EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAY IT. She will even go into a 20 second tirade (as eloquently as a 2 year old can) about how terrible it is.
"Mommy, you said stupid! How can you say that? That's not good! That's a bad word! We don't say that! How you say that? We can't say stupid! Don't say that again, ok? Mommy, ok? Stupid is a bad word!"
And as the months have gone on, we have also had to add; "hate", "freaking" (but according to Carl, "freaking out" is ok), "crap", and "dammit".
The worst part is, is that not only am I annoyed at being reprimanded by my 2 year old and annoyed at myself for obviously having an extremely defunct filter, but I also realized that SHE'S IMITATING ME!! CRAP! I'M AN ANNOYING NAG!
And now I've taught Julia to be one too....sigh....
I tried desperately to shift the blame, sheepishly looked at Carl and said "Oh my, where ever did she learn that word?" But of course, I wasn't bullshitting anyone. To make up for it, I had the talk with Julia about how saying stupid is a very bad thing and how mommy was wrong for saying such an awful, awful word. Sigh.
Unfortunately, the word "stupid" is, apparently, a huge part of my vocabulary and Julia, the bad word police, lets me know EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAY IT. She will even go into a 20 second tirade (as eloquently as a 2 year old can) about how terrible it is.
"Mommy, you said stupid! How can you say that? That's not good! That's a bad word! We don't say that! How you say that? We can't say stupid! Don't say that again, ok? Mommy, ok? Stupid is a bad word!"
And as the months have gone on, we have also had to add; "hate", "freaking" (but according to Carl, "freaking out" is ok), "crap", and "dammit".
The worst part is, is that not only am I annoyed at being reprimanded by my 2 year old and annoyed at myself for obviously having an extremely defunct filter, but I also realized that SHE'S IMITATING ME!! CRAP! I'M AN ANNOYING NAG!
And now I've taught Julia to be one too....sigh....
On Julia's second playground brawl...
On yet another day spent looking to entertain the kids, my best friend, her husband and her 3 and 6 year old daughters and my little family decided to spend a Sunday together. We headed out to South Street Seaport and ate at Cowgirl Sea-Horse, a place very kid friendly with a delicious menu that includes some organic dishes. It was also a place that really understands and gets to the heart of things, because an absolutely delicious Bloody Mary was the first thing they offered to all the grown ups! It was a day that I declared drinking on a Sunday morning to be good and all things wonderful! It was also a day I silently wondered, "Why can't I start every morning like this?"
Everyone ate well and some of us, okay, two of us...okay, maybe just me...was pleasantly tipsy by the end of brunch. Of course, the agenda of the day was not for me to get drunk (although, I, at that point, could have been happy ending the day right then and there) but we were out for the kids. I had read some great reviews of the new playground that just opened up across from the Seaport and wanted to check it out.
It was the second weekend of opening and by far, it's been probably the best playground I've ever been to. I'm not sure how long the cleanliness of it will last, a feature which always drops a playground far, far, down on my list no matter how awesome it is. But the nicest thing about it, was the layered deck with large umbrellas that surrounded a small water play area. For us grown-ups and a drunk me, we were quite happy to plop ourselves down on the deck, lean back and feel safe semi-supervising the kids in this gated area. The only feature missing that would've made this the "awesomest" playground evah! was a waiter taking martini orders. But, sadly, you can't have it all....
As amazing as this playground seemed, it didn't lack the one thing all playgrounds have in common: one very annoying/out of control child. And that day, that role was played by a little 5-6 year old, in her bathing suit, screeching every chance she got and grabbing every one of the huge foam blocks and any other available play material in sight. However, the real red flag was her haircut. The moment we entered the area, she was the first child anyone would notice as a parent does a "sweep over" or assesses the area. The kid had a very unique bob haircut. At first, I thought, "ohhh, that's interesting, I guess sort of cute." However, once my eyes did another sweep over to check out the grown-ups in the area, I was immediately able to identify the girl's mom because she was sportin' the exact same haircut, to which my next immediate thought was, "Oh. Ohhh. Oh, not good..." Sorry, but I am one of those people who find matching mother/daughter haircuts to be SO NOT ADORABLE and COMPLETELY REPULSIVE. Someone going as far as to get matching haircuts with their 5 year old is looking for people to comment on how cute they look. If you're not that great looking and you're child is an annoying little shit, pardon my French, trying to garner everyone's attention should be the complete opposite of what you're looking for. But that's just my 2 cents...
And so like any social dynamic, all the little ones avoided the screeching, possessive little girl with the strange bob haircut as much as possible. And if she grabbed one of their toys like a ravenous snake the moment they temporarily dropped it to pick their nose, pull up their pants or just stop to look at the shiny thing on their toe, they all knew not to make a big deal of it, avoid eye contact and walk away, feeling a sense of loss and dejection until a next worthy toy made itself available. Every child knew the unspoken rule here....every child, of course, except my child.
Chalk, being a hot commodity in the playground, was being held on tightly by Julia and her two little gal pals. They all avoided the little girl, opted to stay away from the water where she was playing and decided to draw on the walls. At some point, Julia, being the highly distractable 2 year old, went over to the edge of the water area and threw her chalk down to look at some shiny/funny/interesting thing across the way. Within a second of that chalk being dropped, annoying girl literally snatched it up and continued with her play as if nothing happened. Julia, then proceeds to flip.the.fuck.out. Her head turned as she panned the area for us grown-ups, stopped abruptly in our direction, stared at us wildly and began screaming at the top of her lungs, "SHE TOOOOOOOK MY CHAAAAAAAAAALK!" We all, kind of snickered, said something to the effect of "Well, you shouldn't have thrown your chalk down" and continued to sit there commenting on how wonderful it would be if someone would serve us drinks right now. Now before you think we're mean parents, Carl and I have always felt that Julia needed to stand up for herself more as she is constantly being bullied by someone, even by my nephew who is two sizes smaller than her! And we also felt that she needed to take care and pay attention to the things that she wants in life, even if that includes minuscule things like a piece of chalk.
But instead of walking away defeated, like the rest of the children, our Julia did something very surprising: she called for back up. Realizing that us parents were trying to teach her yet another life lesson, she huffed a sigh of displeasure and dissatisfaction with her grown-ups and tromped off towards her gal pals. As soon as she reached hearing distance to them, she screamed again, "SHE TOOOOOK MYYYYYYYYYY CHAAAAAAAAAALK!!". When her friends turned around, Julia vehemently thrusted her arm out and pointed to annoying girl. There she is! THAT ONE! The annoying one waving the chalk around without a clue. Julia could not have identified this girl more clearly with her silent point and stare. And, this of course, made all four of us stop our chatter and watch in awe at this new turn of events. Annoying girl's mom seemed to sit up a little straighter and looked somewhat confused and unsure of what to do.
My best friend's kids walked up to Julia and they all seemed to confer with each other a bit as each child took a moment to pick their head up and take several glances towards annoying girl. "Oh my God" I said to everyone "What the hell is going on?" Soon, my best friend's daughters began slowly walking towards the annoying girl, on opposite sides, as my Julia stood there, no longer distressed but watching them very carefully as if she paid good money for a service to be provided.
"Oh my god! Julia called for backup!" I excitedly said. "They're going to gang up on annoying girl!"
We all watched fascinated, particularly since three of us are educators,since this was definitely interesting child-social development at play here...and plus, holy crap! my friend's kids were gonna beat her up!
Carl, getting in touch with his guido roots, began providing dialogue.
"Yo, dichoo jass take dis guurl's chawk?! Answer dah qweschoon, dichoo take dis guurl's chawk?"
The two girls continued to approach her and circle her, eyes completely glued onto annoying girl.
"Oh my god, they're circling her!"
"Why donchoo jass puh-down dat chawk!? Do what I say, and jass puh-down dat chawk and no ones gonna get hurt."
"Carl, would you cut it out?"
It's hard to say how much we all would've liked to have let it played out but annoying girl's mom began frantically looking back and forth between us, my best friend's daughters who were now in prance mode and her daughter, who now looked like a cherub, innocently building with her blocks whilst gripping tightly onto the green chalk in question. As the girls simultaneously took a step towards the girl, all four of us shouted a sharp "GIRLS!" and blinking, they stepped out of their lioness stances and looked toward us like sweet children. Julia, finally tore her eyes away and looked too.
"I have another piece of chalk!", I said, shrilly.
"Oh!" Julia said, gleefully.
And peace was restored.
Well somewhat, not long after watching her daughter unwittingly become the potential target for a beatdown by my best friend's kids as my daughter smugly looked on, she declared that play time was over and had to forcefully pick up her screaming child out of the playground; a common occurrence in every playground of which I am much too familiar with. We all looked at each other somewhat embarrassed for her and for ourselves for not stopping the kids sooner but ultimately conceded that that was really cool in a not so appropriate way.
"Did you see that?!"
"They were totally set on getting that chalk back!"
"Julia was like - yeah, these are my bitches!"
"Holy crap! They were, like, about to pounce!"
"This was totally Sopranos!"
"Did you notice mom has the same haircut as the kid?"
"yeah, Ewww..."
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