Over the past four months, the one major question many people have asked me was why I decided to go full time, especially when I had such a "good" gig working part time. In many working parent's eyes, I did not have the best option (which was stay at home) but I did have the not-so-bad option (which was work part time and stay at home). My deal was even better because I was making any where between 90 -110 dollars an hour. This allowed me to ideally, work 10-12 hours a week without feeling a pinch in my wallet. I know a lot of people thought I was nuts especially Carl, who was dead set against me going back to work full time. But truthfully, I was extremely unhappy professionally and those of you who are in the biz, may understand why.
Let me just preface this by saying, I love Julia more than anything in the world, more than I could ever imagine I would love her, more than I love Carl, more than I can even understand myself. It was no easy decision to leave her to my parents every day and feel jealous every time they took her on an outing and I wasn't there. I wish I could say that I went back to work full time because of my dedication to children with autism, because of my passion for my field or because I'm just a workaholic but that just isn't it. I wish I could say that it was because I love my job, I love being a supervisor, I love the kids, the parents...etc. but that's not completely it either.
Working and supervising in home early intervention cases was really tough on me both financially and mentally. It was draining me on both ends. Although it paid well, it pays what you get BEFORE taxes because you're a contracted employee. An obsessive compulsive control freak - not at all like myself - would, ideally, save a bit from each check and pay an estimate of what you owe to Uncle Sam quarterly. A Mariann-type person who also happens to live in a very expensive city, would instead, shrug her shoulders and say "I'll wait until tax time" despite their husband's dismay.
It was also draining financially because I was constantly buying new toys and because I was a supervisor, I was constantly buying program materials (binders, flash cards, pencils, copies of data sheets, dividers..etc) for every new case I had. In addition, I didn't get paid holidays or sick time and if the kids got sick and had to cancel, I either had to make up the time on a day that I scheduled to be with Julia or lose the money.
Early intervention also entails a large amount of paperwork. I spent A LOT OF TIME doing paperwork when I should've been hanging out with my daughter. Truthfully, I AM a workaholic and it DOES take some effort on my part to leave work at work. But when I was doing Early Intervention, I could not do that. I had to do a lot of work at home and being at the child's home also meant being emotionally invested in the case too. And although I chose to work part time so that I could spend time with Julia, I actually feel like I spend more quality time with her now working full time than I did then.
Mentally, it's exhausting. Many teachers I had were untrained, and I, myself, felt I wasn't growing professionally and I felt isolated. I spent a lot of time trying to train teachers or putting together presentations for workshops for other agencies. I spent a lot of time traveling from one place to another. I spent a lot of time scheduling and rescheduling. I spent a lot of time trying to find just time....
I think it works for a lot of people out there - and truthfully, I wish it worked for me. I loved working hands on with the kids, with the families and just seeing the impact I made. In fact, maybe it would've been better if I was NOT a supervisor and had less responsibility but I knew I couldn't do that either. I've been a supervisor for a very long time and it's hard going back. So eventually, I just had to stop. I still get jealous when my mom tells me how happy Julia was at the park or how she did this and that and I missed it all. But truthfully, even if I won a million dollars, I'm not quite sure I could honestly say that I wouldn't go back to work. But there are still days when I wish I was at home and at home with my baby, but ultimately, I don't regret the decision to return at all.
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