I'm just using the terminology that Cher used. Don't worry, I don't tell Julia she's a half-breed and if I do, it's usually when she's been bad and after I tell her rainbows are just particles of light, Snow White never existed and her birthday is just any other day.
Prior to having Julia, the idea of having an interracial child never crossed my mind as a negative thing. Ever. Growing up in a multicultural community, I never saw the color of someone's skin. My determination of whether we were friends were based on whether you were an "ass" or not.
It wasn't until Julia was born, did somewhere, in the back of my mind, I breathed a sigh of relief that she came out looking Chinese. It was a thought that surprised me a little because I never even thought I had an "issue" with it, in fact, I never even thought about the issues of having a mixed child. I think I even overheard my mom talking to a relative on the phone and saying "Good thing she looks Chinese!". But that was when Julia was first born, as she's growing, her looks are changing and there are moments when I look at her and I just barely see the Asian in her. My Chinese neighbors, for the first year, constantly commented on how "white" she looked. Seriously. Every time I'd walk out the door, one of the little kids would say "Oh my mom says she looks so white!". I'd go to Dim Sum and the cart ladies would say "Oh she's so white!" Relatives, would say, "Oh, she has beautiful white skin!" Even I, after looking at several pictures with Julia, am often taken aback and think "Who is this white kid on my lap?!"
And I would constantly vent "Why are they telling me she's so white?! She CLEARLY has ASIAN EYES!!! She looks freaking ASIAN!!" and I'd carry on as if looking "white" was a horrible thing...all this venting to my "white" husband and "white" best friend. It'd bother me even more because my parents even seem annoyed by the constant barrage of "white" comments.
And then one day, somebody commented on her "whiteness" and said "She must look like her father". At that point, it sort of all hit home to me. It wasn't that I was bothered by her looking different but by her not carrying on who I am and who my parents are. It's funny, I don't think my parents EVER made the color of our skin a barrier to what we could accomplish and I think that's why my sisters and I came out to be so independent and successful in our own way. But a few years ago, when I was pursuing my certification as a school administrator, my dad said I would never get a job as a director or principal because I was "yellow". Although, I didn't believe him, it still hit me hard that he said that and felt that we were still struggling as minorities. (And my god, he called us "yellow"!!!) So here's Julia, with an opportunity to be more successful because of her skin color and the shape of her eyes, but we're bothered by it. I guess it's the struggle, who we are, how we came to be, our culture and practices that we don't want lost in her. I don't care what Julia looks like, but I just don't want her to forget the Chinese in her...or the Chinese in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment